10 Rules: Bootcamp for Breakups.

Breakups suck. They are maybe one of the worst things ever. Like most, I’ve got some experience in the subject.

When a friend of mine recently was dumped, I decided to put my experience to good use and compile a list of ways to get you through a breakup. These are not gentle rules. I am not a sappy, rub-your-back, breakup lady. This is Lauren’s boot camp for breakups.

While these tips might be a bit hardcore, follow them and you will get over your break up quicker and better than ever.

Lauren’s Breakup Bootcamp (OR Insane Tips to Get Through a Breakup Sane)

1. Make Sure It’s Over. Back and forth and back and forth relationships are the worst. Before going through the breakup grievances, make sure it is really over.
2. Accept “Breakup You”. Know that this isn’t you. It’s “Breakup You.” So the crazy emotions, the moments of anger, the bitch moves, are okay.  It’s just “breakup you”.
3. Do NOT Listen to Adele. Just don’t do it. Instead, go for inspirational “badass” music- Beyonce, Madonna, Jock Jams. Whatever works for you where you won’t fear the next song will trigger your emotions.
4. Don’t Eat Your Tears Away. Eating your emotions will only make you feel worse. Give yourself 1 thing. Then it’s over. I recommend a McFlurry.
5. Workout Those Emotions. Those endorphins will make you feel so good and empowered! So use that a-hole of an ex to your advantage and tone up that ass. So when you see him next time, he’ll really see what he is missing out on!
6. Get All Sexy. After obeying #4 and #5, wear whatever makes you feel like a catch. Don’t let your quality of life go down because you broke up. After dressing up, walk down whichever street you know you’ll get a cat call.
7. Don’t Breakup When Aunt Flo Visits. If you are doing the breaking, stay away from times when your emotions are already at their peak, like your lady time. When you can’t tell where your emotions are coming from, it is harder to figure out how to process them. If the timing is out of your control, refer to #2.
8. Don’t Have a Rebound. Or Have a Rebound. Whatever. While I believe after a relationship you should focus on just “Rebounding with Yourself” (Trademark this right!?), I know I have not practiced what I preach. So just do what you want, but know that a rebound will not make the ex jealous, seeing that you have independently emotionally moved on will. So if your emotions are at risk don’t do it… Or try not to.
9. Talk It Out. If you have something that needs to be said, say it. That is how you process emotions. Don’t let anything fester. Process it first and then just get it out. Talk to friends and family (or the comment section below!). We get it (remember #2) NOTE: If you feel that you need to talk it out with the new ex, do it. He was involved in this after all!  But you are only allowed to send “little daggers” like a text message saying you’re angry, you’re disappointed, or that he needs to go screw himself. But after that you are done. Delete the number. Don’t look for comfort and avoid person-to-person. If you think that a message is anymore than a little dagger, write it down somewhere and then forget about it.
10. Most Importantly- Get Over It. Someone told me that it takes half of the length of time that you were in a relationship to get over the relationship. While that might be true for some, getting back to regularly scheduled programming as soon as possible tells yourself that you don’t need him. You had a life before him and you will have a life after. The quicker you realize how awesome life is on your own, the better off you are.

All of these tips will be broken. You will emotionally eat something, or wear pajamas for a day, or rebound. But if you get anything out of these tips, I hope you get that you aren’t the only one who has gone through a breakup. We are out there and we think you’re sexy.

Do you have tools for a breakup? Do you have any questions about mine? Share these rules with the people you know that might need them and together, let’s find the holy grail of breakup guidelines.  Let’s talk.

Happy Thursday Y’all!