Confessions Of A House Plant Killer
Yes, I’m a house plant killer.
I’m not sure what happened, but I never learned about the care and feeding of house plants. It doesn’t matter whether I get a healthy, mature plant or some poor little young and promising plantling. What I can tell you is that the chances of either surviving more than a month are virtually zero.
I love the look of greenery and the occasional flowers. So it’s pretty disheartening to know that the poor things are probably terrified as soon as they enter my home. Somehow, I’m sure they know it’s like a death sentence and they’ve just been put on death row. And I’ve lost count of the number that I’ve sadly abandoned as they gasped for their last ray of sunshine.
So I surrendered to reality and now just do fake plants. No, please don’t laugh. Thankfully, they’re not the ridiculous looking ones that I used to see in my grandma’s house. You remember those, don’t you? They looked more like someone had cut out a picture from a magazine and pasted it on some cardboard than anything at all like a real plant.
House Plant Killer: Reformed
Somewhere along the line, I convicted myself of being a plant killer and sentenced myself to never being within 50 feet of them again. In that moment, there was joy and relief in plant nurseries around the world. But I am ok with that.
Because of what I’d seen in my grandmother’s house, I’d avoided fake plants for a long time. My first venture into fake plant parenthood was the adoption of a little Bonsai that caught my attention in a department store. It was kinda off by itself, and at first I actually thought it was real. So I figured if it could fool me, maybe it was worth a spot in my home where normal people have real plants.
I’ve been amazed by the number of people who go up to it to take a close look, and ask “is that real?” Which of course means they don’t know!
Artificial Plants Today
After that small success, I started looking around. And I was pretty impressed by both the quality and variety of artificial plants. The designers and manufactures of what’s available today are nothing less than artists. Still, you probably won’t find a brick and mortar shop that does nothing but artificial plants. The good news is, like everything else, you can find specialty suppliers online who have just about anything you can imagine.
One of my favorites is www.permaleaf.com. They have a huge selection of both indoor and outdoor plants and schrub-like artificial plants. Here’s the most recent item I selected from their catalog:
So if you’re like me and have given up on growing anything other than mold on the cheese you forgot you had in the back of the fridge, or learning how to store spore syringes, take a look. These aren’t your grandma’s fake house plants. And, care and feeding is as simple as an occasional shower to freshen them up!
